Twilighted Memories

Been awhile…

LexiAnnRe — Tue, 01 May 2012 04:41:03 +0000

I’m currently living within a group home that doesn’t have internet. And the only kind of internet I can get is the usb modem type (too expensive). So the only time I can stop by is when I find a unsecure wireless internet around the area (never really that lucky). But I’m trying to get the app on my phone that would let me post a few blogs here and there (just to state that I’m still alive and kickin’, lol!).

Lots went on and all, but I will have to update you all when I can. (off of many meds, the adhd meds are completely gone from my system to name just a slight few).

I should of been asleep 2 hours ago, but lol one of the problems with dropping the adhd meds is that I can’t sleep at night.

Well I hope all of you are doing well, and had a great season of holidays!

~Lexi232

Moving to a New Blog

LexiAnnRe — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 22:22:19 +0000

I’m moving to a new blog for now. I may be back when I can have more customization of this blog.. But as for now, until further notice I will be posting at http://twilightedmemories.wordpress.com/

Tomorrow…

LexiAnnRe — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:04:30 +0000

Tomorrow is my birthday… I should be happy right??
Why does people have to scare me? I dont understand why that gives someone the happiness that they want.. I’m sick of it all!!
Last year my birthday sucked.. This year my birthday I have a death threat over my head…
No, I’m not paranoid… If you TRUELY KNOW ME then you KNOW that I’m not one who gets paranoid or stays paranoid for long.. only real threats here that leave me scared!

Anyways, tomorrow i turn 25.. the big 25! I dont know why 25 seems so special to me, but it does… Maybe thats the sign of something good… Last time I felt this way was when I was 21… and well.. i think that year was pretty good too. lol…. I can’t quite remember specifics but yeah. lol

I’m now on new meds… Even though this post is titled “Tomorrow” I will tell about today as well. lol. My new med schedule is as follows…
Vyvanse – 60mg – 2 hours before awake time.
Cymbalta – 60mg – morning
Pentasa – 500mg – Morning
Klonopin – 0.25mg – Morning
Pentasa – 500mg – Noon
Klonopin – 0.25mg – Noon
Pentasa – 500mg – 5pm
Klonopin – 0.5mg – bedtime
Pentasa – 500mg – bedtime
Strattera – 40mg – bedtime

5 Things About You Post…

LexiAnnRe — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:54:32 +0000

1. I’m a bit more hopeful than i have been.
2. i am hungry and keep forgetting it until my tummy reminds me.
3. I am restless…
4. I hate snow… and the cold… and the wet…
5. I think i’m on the right meds for now…

I wish posts…

LexiAnnRe — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:52:38 +0000

I wish my computer would stop buzzing…
I wish my tummy would stop cramping from pmsing..
I wish i didn’t have to barraacade my room to feel safe tonight..

——

I wish i could be like i was before i was on meds, i’m sick of this unrelenting panic attack!
I wish i could calm down… and breathe! …

——-

I wish it wasn’t so cold outside.
I wish there wasn’t snow all over the place..
I wish it wasn’t windy..
I wish i wasn’t so negative right now.
I wish that i wasn’t so depressed..
I wish that once i finally got the nerve up to call out for help and was ready to take that step, that i wasn’t turned down and told to just hang on..
I wish they’d realize how much it took out of me to come to that point.
I wish i didn’t go on that stupid shoping spree that i did today.

Dear T. Post

LexiAnnRe — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:48:31 +0000

Dear T,

I’m SO glad and felt SO RELIEVED when you said we didn’t have to go into detail about the things that i’m so terrifed to do so right now… until I get out and in a safe place… I can’t tell you just HOW MUCH I am relieved by that… but… thank you..

Discharged Today…

LexiAnnRe — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 00:56:27 +0000

Well… its hard for me to see the screen so what i type is blurry. But was locked outside while i waited for someone to open the door to let me in while it was cold and raining. blah!

Anyways… got my meds figured out atleast… only problem now is… I can’t get my meds… The joys of copays huh? *Sighs*

sighs

LexiAnnRe — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 23:34:53 +0000

I might be going inpatient. dont know yet.. I can’t take this no more.. and i think i’m able to come right out and ask if i could go into inpatient.. Also my fianaces can’t take much more of me being this way… It’s horrible but indescribable right now as to whats going on.. alll i know is i cant take much more of these panic attacks that dont go away..nor everything else thats going crazy right now… … Todd went to his new home yesterday.. abby is fulled up lotsa food and lotsa water, just like i used to do when i had to be admited for my physical health… I swear if i find her harmed when i come back, becoming homocidal will become the next problem added to the list.

Dear Therapist Post…

LexiAnnRe — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:31:50 +0000

Dear T…
I gave Todd away… They came to pick him up a little while ago..
I came back in and couldn’t stop crying..
My throat was so dry but my sinus’s were so ick!
Abby was there for me though.. She sat next to me and pawed at my shoulder and would mew ever so sweetly!
I still hurt over it… but i’m out of tears.. and i’m tired… when i get too upset, theres this localized sezure thing that happens in my diaphragm that makes me sound like i might hyper ventilate, but i never do..
I used to get spanked for that… My biological mom would get pissed because i couldn’t stop it.. I got used to holding my breath then my stomach would just hurt as it does this funky pump like thing and then when i gasp for breath more hiccuping like sobbing sniffles coming out until i can catch my breath and hold it again.. My throat ends up hurting from all that and so does my tummy… I guess my mom thought that i was doing it on purpose all the time.. I sure wouldn’t spank my child for crying then what sounds to be hyperventilation… that’d be like slapping a baby because they were crying because you slapped them in a first place…
I called the crisis line earlier today before dark… before todd left too.. I was hoping to get help.. but the call ended with a just hang in there… then i tried again, and got no where again… maybe because when i tried again, i couldn’t speak and had to hang up the phone..
I really screwed myself over with this shopping spree i ended up doing today.. and im thinking this mess with all the cold turkeying the meds, might be the cause of all the problems that just came up within the past week and a half… …. I can’t do this alone.. I truely believe I need to be inpatient now… I shouldn’t have turned you down sharply when you mentioned discussing hospitalization… Is that why you never called back? because of how I acted over that?

Falling in the slump again,
LonelyStar1987

Not doing so well…

LexiAnnRe — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:51:15 +0000

I have noticed more than just the depression here lately… I really hope it is from the withdrawling of meds.. i believe the hydromorphone has gotten out of my system, but the two benzo’s and the ssri (cymbalta) hasn’t yet fully left my system yet, and things are not going so well…

i dont know what to do… kinda pathetic when the crisis line cant even provide any help, other than to say “hang in there” …

and i apparently went on a shopping spree… one that i could not afford… nor did i get anything that i really needed. such as I bought headphones… I already have 2 good working pair.. why need a third pair? I dont even know what i was thinking while doing this.. Some of this stuff i bought i will never use.. It was more like i walked by it and snatched it up. Annnnddd now it’s back to panic attack mode.. *annoyed* …