jump to navigation

Been awhile… April 30, 2012

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Med/Therapy/Pdoc Talk, Random Posts, Sleep, Struggles , add a comment

I’m currently living within a group home that doesn’t have internet. And the only kind of internet I can get is the usb modem type (too expensive). So the only time I can stop by is when I find a unsecure wireless internet around the area (never really that lucky). But I’m trying to get the app on my phone that would let me post a few blogs here and there (just to state that I’m still alive and kickin’, lol!).

Lots went on and all, but I will have to update you all when I can. (off of many meds, the adhd meds are completely gone from my system to name just a slight few).

I should of been asleep 2 hours ago, but lol one of the problems with dropping the adhd meds is that I can’t sleep at night.

Well I hope all of you are doing well, and had a great season of holidays!

~Lexi232

Hmmm… December 28, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Random Posts, Sleep, Struggles , add a comment

I forgot all about how I used to love Disturbed songs. But I’m not sure if that’s because I just forgot, or if I fell out of love with their songs… And if I fell out of love with the songs, are they merely just because the state of mind that I’m in.? I don’t know. but it’s something that i’m wondering about. But I think it a little of both forgetting, and the state of mind I am in..

Well just a short post, I’m going to go and try to get some sleep…. T__T and I SWEAR IF A CERTAIN SOMEONE COMES BANGING ON MY WINDOW AGAIN When they come home, I will start screaming! I am in no mood for that kind of crap! (I am never ever in that mood), But there’s only so much NO SLEEP someone can handle!! And I’m reaching that point!! 2 hours a night if that aint cutting it!!! >.<!!!

Well.. nights!

Bah…. December 24, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Med/Therapy/Pdoc Talk, Sleep, Struggles , add a comment

I’m sorry if this post is me being incoherent most of the time.
I will come back and gather this later on when i’m in a place that i can tell the diffrence in things and not.

withdrawl off of this is horrible!!! I started dissociating badly! like the kind that makes me scared.. the kind where i leave my reality sense behind, and vision gets werided out and i have troubles as i can’t figure out if i’m dead or if i’m alive.. and i get scared cause i normally come to the conclusion that i’m dead… and its just me in a coma, or me living on in a nightmare until my brain is eaten away by things in the ground that eat everything but bones once your burried… That is NOT EVEN TOUCHING MY DAY!!

Not to mention i’m having a mass attack of mood swings, and my whole body mentally and physically comes in waves that varies from diffrent degrees, up down left right, all around, all that time, IT WONT STAY ONE PLACE AND THERES NO REASON FOR THE MOODS THAT SHOW UP RANDOMLY AND  oy!! i’ve been going from angry to happy to angry to depressed, to angry to laughing for absoluetly NO REASON, just i get to feeling giggley and can’t stop until i get angry again, or happy or depressed, or whatever the flying flip i go to in the next second!!

My body keeps twitching, and spasming and going about like crazy and i cant control it either, and my eyes keep having that localized sezure crap. and my head keeps sharp pains and the room keeps spinning and i.. I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS!!!

I dont know whats causing what!! I cant figure nothing out!! and i’m in too much of a fog to do any problem solviong!!! and i can’t really understand what i right, and i get tung tied everytime i trie to speak!!!!

I ache all over… and some moments i can’t feel anything but depressed severely on the inside like i normally do.. but that’s all.. thats all that exsists in there.. and then my head hurts… and my muscles twitch and spasm and my arms jerk, and my legs and my jaw tenses up.

and i dont really want to admit it but im  sucidial quite offten today… dead quiet and withdrawn even with the adhd med up’d. I can’t peice nothing together!! and i am back to square one about sleeping, except i am restless and can’t eat, can’t sleep… it’s 2:27am here, and here i sit .. i have been getting to sleep around midnight lately for the past few nights. and sleeping up until we are woken up!

And we have enough clarity  from being off hydromorphone long enough to see that we are in some deep shit! The med had clouded our judgement… and we know that… but now we are stuck and trying to figure out what to do now… but we can’t think enough to figure it out!

and things keep moving and keep touching us, and nothing there when we look.. feels like crawly tickly things but i find nothing… then things move and i know it’s not real… i’m able to tell now as this isn’t the first time, as the last time i crashed off of hydromorphone i saw stuff..

We think the psychnurse is s a quack.. who is just in it for the money… why else would someone cut them off cold turkey from xanax, hydromorphone, klonapin, and cymbalta? i think thats all the unprescribed… but i feel like i’m forgeting a few…

i’m all over the place.. mentally and physically. way too many problems to even describe. this whole post barely even touches my day still!!!

oh, and here we go crying… GAH!!!  theres no reason to cry!!! now we are angry! see?! this is the shit thats been going onn ALL DAY!!!

and everytime i goto thinking on where we are, and what has happened and what choices has been made since we have been on the hydromorphone i only do that awful dissociating thingy that scares me to death. sometimes i believe literally… so i try not to think on it because right now i can’t make any sense of all of this anyways.

All i know is i’m not to kill myself, and it’s to stay that way… this too shall pass… hopefully… though i dont feel too hopeful… but i cling on to knowing even though i’m not feeling…

and then the outside of the shell we are nothing.. completely listless and have no want or interest to show anyuthing.. cause there is nothing.. and my eyes even hurt!! EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE TODAY!!!!

:’(!!!!!!

Terrible, horrible, awful appointment!! Pt.2 December 22, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Med/Therapy/Pdoc Talk, Random Posts, Sleep, Struggles , add a comment

Right now i’m really too tired to say much. other than it went horrible.
And i have a nurse who thinks she god, and one of those people who believe they are right no matter what kind of things.. Even when you present them with explanations and proof that they wrong.
So I’m crash coursing off of 2 meds, and one med is being upp’d.
I dont know why she decided that even though I was badly depressed to cut me cold turkey from the antidepressant which was being taken at one of the highest doses there is.
Why someone would do this is beyond me..
That’s like… taking away someone’s 1:1 when they are ready to end it all. … just doesn’t make sense to me.
Oh and apparently she thinks i’m hilarious because she was laughing even when i was in tears..
Yup.. Never going back to her again. She kept getting this attitude like she thought she had one up on me or something.
Why make a already hurting depressed person cry is also beyond me.
But now I just want to sleep. Actually having a hard time typing this out on my phone right now. due to my eyes keep crossing..
But as soon as I close my eyes and am ready to fall asleep I wont be able to. Just lay there in exhaustion and feel like I just want to go grab a hammer and knock myself out it’s getting so bad to that point…
Maybe I should just hold my phone and psych myself out and pretend i gotta stay awake.. then maybe I will pass out and not wake up until morning. But i’m afraid, I am not that lucky…
Well.. …… … v_v *sighs* ….

Going to see new doc today… pt. 1 December 22, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Med/Therapy/Pdoc Talk, Random Posts, Sleep, Struggles , add a comment

Right now I haven’t left, but i’m going to go see new doc. supose to be a pdoc at my original doctors office. I haven’t gotten ready yet, so I have to go do that super soon. But I wanted to start this blog post up and save it for later to add what’s going on that’s new with me and any med changes.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to get the anti depressant med prescribed, that I started up on because I was so depressed, and had an old bottle of it. Then I’m also hoping to either get my ADHD med raised to the dose that I know has last worked for me, or change to a new one. Then I’m hoping that I can start that ADD med i was supose to start and be put on that is a non stimulant to go along with my stimulant. Then if not to the ADHD/ADD meds then I will be asking about something that will knocking me out for sleep as I’ve been taking a combination of like 5 meds. Just to get 5 hours of sleep a night(If i’m lucky). Those right now are 2 benedryls, 1-2 xanax, 1-2 klonapin, 1 cymbalta, and 1-3 hydromorphone(tho i’ve never taken 3 of them together before, nor even 2 with the other meds. only 2 when it was the only thing I took). All are currently prescribed but the cymbalta. As the cymbalta is an old prescription. And I have ambiene, Lunesta, and quite a few other sleeping pills but they do squat! Even ambiene! I laid there in bed for 7 hours once after I took it, and NOTHING, i actually was restless and hyper and couldn’t sleep one bit. Used to knock me out cold, but I guess not anymore.

Ugh, and last night I had to put up with the electricity being off for 6-8hours, and it ended up being 23 degrees Fahrenheit in my room during the night!! I WAS SO FRICKIN COLD!!! I had 2 shirts, 2 pants, a fuzzy big thick hoodie on, 2 pets on me, 3 big fuzzy blankets over me, and curled up in a ball and STILL ENDED UP TURNING INTO A POPSICKLE!! And my parents didn’t care one bit, cause they were at work. They didn’t care, until it had been about 8 hours later and BAM they get on their way home and pay the electric bill. HOW DOES ONE F-ING FORGET TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL!? THATS LIKE FORGETTING TO PAY YOUR MONTHLY RENT THAT YOU’VE BEEN PAYING ALL YOUR LIFE, AND BEEN GETTING 2 WEEK NOTICES EVER SINCE IT WAS LATE TO REMIND YOU THAT IF YOU DIDN’T PAY IT, THAT IT’D BE TURNED OFF!! INSTEAD, the money went to what she wanted while shopping each week. Never thinking on the bill, and didn’t call and pay them until she had to deal with it being cold and she didn’t like it. WELL SHE SHOULD OF BEEN IN HERE WHEN IT WAS PITCH BLACK AND FREEZING!! EVEN MY G2 HAD ICE PARTICLES ALL INSIDE IT FROM HOW COLD IT WAS IN MY ROOM AND IT WAS EVEN MORE FREEZING OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM!! Grrrr!! Then she gets pissed off at me for saying I shouldn’t have said anything, and i should of just dealt with it and not been such a whiney ass. But she gets pissed no matter WHAT!! I tell you what, if she was in that same spot i was in, she would of been furious!! and she would of felt justified for it, and i would of agreed, but when I get annoyed and irratated and whiney she gets pissed AT ME because of how i’m reacting, when it should be ME BEING PISSED AT HER!!!! Not the other way around like it is!!
OY!!! Then she acts like it doesn’t matter cause i didn’t pay anything towards the electric bill this time.(i had virtually no money left. NOTHING all 600 dollars was owed to her, and she was pissed cause i didn’t have more to give to her, and she expected it, even tho I had nothing more, and i couldn’t give it to her so she got even more pissed at me like i was lieing or hiding money away from her or something when she KNOWS how much I get, and how much is in my account by my statement) And besides!! I’ve paid her full electric bill, plus it’s late fees for over $150 the first week I got here, and she said she was gonna pay me back but she never did! but then when I try to bring that up this month and ask for some of that to go towards this months bill, she suddenly finds it to be absurd and unjust and completely unforgiving of me even mentioning it, and once again no matter what i do, i’m in the wrong and she’s pissed at me, and going off like crazy! I CANT STAND THIS NEGATIVITY!!! I’M GOING TO GO INSANE IF I HAVE TO STAY AROUND JUST THAT (and that’s not including everything else going on which i dont have time to even mention). I need out of here.. that’s all i’m going to say. and know that IM IN THE RIGHT MIND here.. and such..  sorta anyways…
I think i’m also pissing off my best friend because every time i mention or explain, or go off on a 1 sentence rant through txt i get ignored, or things like “…. *sighs*” and “…T_T”, but then it’s right back to happy and all when its a txt from her…  and this morning i  was really pissed at that.. cause it was like “>.< NO I DONT WANNA RPG WITH YOU CAUSE HOW YOUR ACTING!! YOU TOTALLY IGNORED ME, THEN WHEN I KEPT GOING YOU JUST DOT DOT DOTTED AND SIGHED, WHICH I TAKE AS “OY NOT AGAIN”. T_____T** ” but then i found myself going “oy, T_T why do i have to be so addicted to rpging!?” … but then i came to my clear headed mind, and realized i do do a lot of ranting and lately been almost just as negative as my parent has…in a sense…  and I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE TIRED OF IT TOO IF she was always going off on a tangent or rant on me over stuff… so.. yeah… she was in the right for what she did, and i was being a pouty shit face because pretty much i wasn’t getting the attention i wanted.. in a round about way.. but blog here I come! Sorry you guys get to hear all my ranting and raving, but I dont want to rant anything at my best friend anymore because I know its annoying the shit out of her, and it would me too if I had to deal with me when I was like that, and it was ALWAYS like that, at least twice a day when not more. So yeah… This blog ain’t gonna all be about rants and such. but when I need to rant.. heres where I’ll come.. hopefully I remember this the next time I need to rant, BEFORE I send my best friend a text or one really long IM or more than one IM to her with me going off in it like crazy. But now that I remembered my password, and how to get back into this blog, things will be like that.
As long as i can remember.. xD!!
And for everyone reading, know that my best friend is a good friend.. She’s put up with YEARS of me like this. much more when i’m on steriods or under the parents home. but i’ve always ranted at her about something at some point in my life.. Before her, I ranted to another best friend, in school notes all the time. but we ranted a like… but that friendship grew apart quite some time ago.. but that’s another story in itself. But through it all, almost 10 years now, my best friend, who i call my sister, my twin from another mother and with different birth dates, she’s been here through it all. She is my one and only, true friend I’ve had. Sadly i’ve not be the same back to her. But … life is life, and we can’t turn back time… But we will always try to make up for that pain that we caused… But I’m saying this so you readers out there know that she’s dealt with me for a super long time like this on very very VERY MANY accounts, but she is a really good true friend, and has the right to be annoyed the heck at me, because not one another has done that much for me, EVER!!
And the internet friends I know on PC, yes you guys are good too, but I’m speaking in real life.. and how I’ve known her for such a very long time compared…. to anyone in my life! … I’ve never been around anyone in my life for that long of a period in my life, not my homes, not my schools, not my family, … not anyone! Besides her.

Anyways, enough from me, I’ll go ahead and post this, then come back later for a part 2 on an update, even if it’s super short compared to this one.

I wonder if anyone ever reads these posts anyways? all I get is spam commentors who dont even comment on the post they just pop in to decorate my pending comments area up with a mass hysteria of links . lol, too bad I’d feel guilty for editing their posts to be comments that i type up for myself. xD!!!

…’Happy’? o.0 … April 26, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Sleep, Struggles , 2comments

So to give a little update from my last post, I ended up staying up between hour 39 and 40, then finally fell asleep, and have been sleeping pretty much ever since. lol!

…. I wanna cry right now.. I actually did earlier… I texted my bestest friend letting her know i prolly will be going to another friends in another state to stay as i’m sorta stuck as in my choices of living; mostly due to my part and being impulsive.
But she replied with telling me ok as long as i find someplace i’m happy at…
That’s when i broke down into tears.. I dont know why i can’t tell her i’m happiest around her.. I dont know why have to hide how i feel… I dont know why i feel like I can’t inform her this…
But.. I fake a happy txt back with ;~; and  just thanks and a smily… when i really wanna say “i’m happiest around you. my sister from another mother. my partner in crime.. we’re so alike we could of been identical twins!”

….. but i dont… i guess i feel like i bring her down all the time, and bring her down with me,  and that she’s not happiest with me(and I want her to be happy as well!), so why should i impose that on her when we make great best friends, but i’m always screwing things up.

36 hours with no sleep… April 24, 2011

Posted by LexiAnnRe in : Sleep , add a comment

Sorry everyone who is always on the forums for me, I’ll come back soon. I just haven’t been able to focus for awhile. And now i have an added problem.. As I can’t sleep.  I tried sleeping, and almost drifted off and was woken up by my sick roomie. And everytime i tried to drift back off to sleep i found it impossible due to something startling me awake. I’ve had insomnia a lot of my life. The only time I haven’t is when i was highly drugged up in the hospital, or when i’m on my add/adhd meds. I keep feeling my body getting weightless like, which is kinda creeping me out.. and it keeps doing that. And starts in my hands.
Anyhow, it’s like i was kept up past the time i normally sleep and couldn’t get to sleep due to outside disturbances.. and now i’m not sleepy and can’t get to sleep. in about 10 minutes it will be 37 hours since i last slept.

It’s odd because i’m not someone who can even make it past 24 hours of no sleep even when i caffienate myself up. And so i’ve never ever EVER been awake for this long before.. it’s a new experience for sure!